Why did you decide to embark on a militant suicide mission?
You can expect a complicated answer. But isn’t Israel’s occupation – which destroys us as human beings – reason enough and motivation to do something like this? We Palestinians have great pride and a longing for freedom within us, enough to become martyrs.
So what happened?
The plan was to gather enough information so that I could reach the president’s headquarters and then detonate the car bomb with myself inside the car. I am not a suicide bomber but a martyr.
Really, to kill yourself?
People love life, but a life without freedom is like being dead. I went as a young political activist to Lebanon and received military training intending to carry out an action against Israel.
Doesn’t the Quran say anything about not killing oneself?
Yes, Islam explains that one should not kill oneself, but exceptions exist, such as in combat. We have the saying, “Seek death to be given life.” I did not care about being killed; the important thing was to achieve my goal. And death is not the goal but only a method to achieve freedom. This operation was actually planned before the intifada; I was supposed to be a personal time bomb.
Do you believe in life after death?
According to our beliefs, life in this world is just a stage we live in. We also have a stage in the grave, where the spirit lives on, and one is aware of what is happening around them, even though they cannot do much about it. Then comes the afterlife on the Day of Judgment, the ultimate life.
How is life now, after all the years in prison?
We see a lot in our dreams. For example, when I dream of when the Jews came and took me, I tried to escape. But then I experience that next to me, my husband is actually dreaming about something funny (he spent 14 years in prison) and wakes up refreshed, while I am depressed – even though we slept in the same bed.
What do you think when you hear the word “freedom”?
An inner emotional joy. During the two years I prepared for the bomb attack; it was as if I was not here in this life. At first, I felt great happiness, and then worldly things no longer concerned me, like money or social relationships. Nothing should take away that feeling from me.
You were arrested?
Yes, they discovered me. I was interrogated in every possible way for 40 days. They tore off my hijab, broke my nose and fingers, and threatened to strip me. In the end, I went on a hunger strike. The prison cell was always dark, so my eyes are somewhat damaged by it today.
When I was released in 1997, I started an association of prisoners’ wives and released women to visit and support the inmates.
What would you think if your daughter chose the same path as you?
She has the freedom to choose what she wants to do with her life. But with my motherly feelings, I would be happy if she chose the right path – there is nothing greater than the path to freedom.
Islam is important to you, including how you dress?
I started wearing the hijab at the age of 14, without being influenced by my family. I wore the niqab in prison when I was around 20 years old in 1989. My religion was not imposed on me. And even though Islam asks you to teach your children to pray from the age of seven and to beat them if they do not do it by age ten, we did not do that. My daughter is very happy today to have prayer. Religion speaks to people who have reason – such people prefer to believe in their consciousness before believing in rituals and traditions.
The more I read the Quran, the greater my love for God becomes. God was important, especially when I was in solitary confinement for four years. When I don’t pray, I feel like I can’t breathe.
Excerpt from a previously unpublished film interview. Retrieved from NY TID’s Palestine supplement 2020.
